Everyone wants to be liked. Everyone wants to be loved. To obtain these many people feel compelled to go against the authentic versions of who they are to be likable to other people. But you don't need to be likeable. What you need to do is to be the real you. When you are real, when you are your authentic self, then you are genuinely loveable. And then love will find you.
The Pitfalls of Being People-Pleasers
I spend a lot of time people-watching and people-listening. I have always been curious about human interaction, our mannerisms, our behaviours, what makes us tick, and learning about the reasons why we do the things we do. Many people tend to fall into two distinct categories.
The first are those who are forever searching for unique people they share special and rewarding connections. The others are fearful of what others might say or think about them, which makes them shrink away because they are consumed with fear of rejection.
Embracing Your Loveable Authentic Self
What I have come to regularly notice is that people frequently settle for being pleasant or agreeable in the expectation that others will not take offence at who they are.
This is something I can wholly sympathise with. There is still a likeable version of me inside. There remains that people pleaser, the one who wants everything to be just right and just so in case others may pass judgment on them. That person who doesn't want others to discover my flaws, my bad habits, and my overlooked to-dos. It's that inner voice that urges me to disappear and shrink in fear of rejection.
Deep inside I am still in contact with this version of me, but it is something that has shrunk immensely in recent years and is now a pale rendition of what it used to be when it yielded greater power.
Overcoming the Fear of Rejection
If you are anything like me, the act of being likeable often means that you need to put the real you aside and meet someone else's expectations. When you strive to be likeable and win the accolades of others, you often end up being more troubled about what others think, feel and say about you at the expense of being present in your moment and conscious of what you are experiencing.
Being likeable forces you to retreat within yourself, shrivelling yourself down so that you won't be an obvious target or of any inconvenience to anyone else. Striving to be likeable can quickly become more about the avoidance of rejection.
True, you might be as likeable as can be and elude some direct rejection, but this will be at the price of you missing out on genuine acceptance.
Letting Go of the Need for Universal Approval
Rather than being what everyone else wants or demands you to be, you should focus on being loveable instead.
Loveable people are genuine; they show up when they need to. Loveable people rock their brand of eccentricity and style, and their presence takes up a lot of room. To be loved is to be noticed and to be seen, all of you. Being loved comes with a degree of jeopardy because it requires you to let others see the authentic you. This also implies that whilst some may adore this real you, some people will naturally not love you, which is fine. You need to compartmentalise this and accept these people were never your people anyway.
Being seen, actually seen, is both exhilarating and scary. I know, I've been working for a long time to accept my loveability.
Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity
When I am bouncing around being my loveable self, I allow myself to say what comes to mind with delicious honesty and delightful candour. My choices of clothes are what makes me feel comfortable and expressive. My interests and hobbies become illustrations of my personality I consciously place on display with little concern if they are not accepted by the crowd or gel with most others. I am open to a wide range of feelings and emotions.
The Liberation of Being True to Yourself
I put myself first before I put others first and never at the expense of myself. I play how I want to play. When I am my true self, I give others the chance to see and potentially love me. They don't truly get to know if they might love me if I cover myself up or disguise who I am.
The Challenge of Authenticity
I feel that the most prevalent fear that prevents people from expressing their true selves is the fear of being rejected by others. I know this because this is how I used to think. But this is what we need to open our eyes to: you are not going to be everyone's type. If someone doesn't like who you are or they are not a good match for you, then find someone who is.
Letting Go of Universal Approval
Let's be honest here: you are not going to like everyone you meet, and there is nothing wrong with that.
When you can let go of the idea that everyone should like you, you will be able to be your true self and connect with those people who genuinely appreciate you for who you really are.
Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity
There comes a time when we must address our fear of being criticised, rejected, and misunderstood.
The Liberation of Being True to Yourself
Make room for yourself in the world. Be true to yourself. Scream at the sky if you need to get your frustrations out. If you are angry, release it. Let all your scary feelings and emotions go free and wave them goodbye. Take the risk of expressing something controversial or against the majority. Be clumsy and stupid. Be truthful to yourself and others. You may be shocked by the response you get and in a positive way.
The Challenge of Authenticity
The challenge I throw out to you is to pick one person with whom you want to be more intimate and risk being a little more yourself than you have been in the past. Keep an eye on their reaction and behaviour. Take note of the complexity of the discussions between you both. It is okay if that individual doesn't respond in a way that resonates agreeably with you. Just try again or move on to a different person.
Being the real you is dangerous for all of us, but it is especially dangerous when you are real with others.
Embracing Your Loveable Self
But don't let this ever hold you back. Get out there and be as loveable as you can be.
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