Ask anyone what the differences between the sexes are and the common response is that men are simple creatures driven to spread their seed far and wide, while women are the sensible ones who apply an educated and rational approach to choosing a mate. The masculine is ruled by his urges and biology, with the feminine having her instincts influenced by emotions and feelings. It is widely accepted that male and female sexuality is inherently different and poles apart. I would suggest that men and women are more alike when it comes to sex than you think.
Stepping away from these familiar misconceptions, it would do us well to assume that not all women are complex just as not all men are so simple one can peg them altogether. My work has brought me in contact with many couples whose lived experiences make me realise that echoing these false truths makes us blind to what takes place in reality.
It is this type of limited thinking when it comes to human sexuality that burdens us with having to live out narrow definitions of what male and female emotional and sexual needs should be.
Ultimately it is our relationships that end up suffering the consequences.
Men Can Relate To Women More Than Just Physically - The Masculine Can Be Emotional
Because communication doesn't come naturally to many men, much of what takes place in the world of male sexuality goes undiscovered. Men don't offer up their fears, secrets, and stories as freely as women do. It may come as a surprise, but male sexuality is often very focused on building committed relationships with women and maintaining them.
Likewise, when it comes to sex. With sex, there is the expectation that men are to be driven by their insatiable carnal needs. If a man doesn't display this tenacity, then we can be quick to label him as not being a real man.
There is so much that swirls around inside a man's psyche that goes unnoticed and unappreciated by much of the general populace. Men regularly tussle with depression, fear, guilt, shame, performance anxiety, fear of rejection, anxieties of not being successful enough, and these all poke and prod at the masculine's confidence and self-esteem.
So powerful are these that they easily spill over into his sexual life, his fantasies, and his desires, eventually determining his consensus of what he is entitled to and what he ought to be deprived of. This makes male sexuality and the masculine position on sex very emotional.
From the male's perspective, his sexuality influences how he feels about himself when held against the view of his opposite, his partner. Many men will deem themselves not up to women's desired standards and will withdraw themselves from the dating market. This is often the lesser of two evils, with the choice of being alone less painful than being rejected for failing to measure up and be a certain sort of man.
Look Beneath The Surface - There is More Than Meets The Eye
One thing I hear quite often from men - boyfriends and husbands – is how much excitement and arousal they get from seeing their partner turned on and enjoying their sexuality. I must confess I don't hear this same response from women. A few, yes, but these women are rare. A constructive takeaway from this is that it reveals how men, by being turned on by watching their partners delight themselves, do possess kindness and generosity when it comes to caring about their partner's pleasure.
A distinction of this unique type of pleasure should be highlighted because it substantiates that he is not acting in a predatory manner. By watching his partner and gazing at their ecstatic face, in his mind he understands he is not harming but pleasing.
Evidence such as this shows how men rely on their partners for confirmation and verification that they are caring and loving men. There are many interpretations of what a "real man" is in the real world and this is but one of them. And this one is highly personal and relational.
Ego and Selfishness Can Control Female Sexuality (But in a Good Way)
What many of my female clients confide in me is how vibrant and alive they feel when they know they are the object of desire and they are playing the role of the turn-on. A woman's fire burns from the inside, not from external visuals which will eagerly excite the male. The catch with this is that if a woman isn't fully into something, then nothing will happen for she is the gatekeeper.
What never gets mentioned because people don't want to hear it, is that female sexuality can be very egotistical and self-absorbed. But in a good way! It is because a woman has such strength and capacity to focus on herself and draw excitement and indulgence from within herself, that her passage to sensual gratification is a deeper one.
It is from a position where she can guide her internal erotic focus that liberates women from their traditional social expectations, which often relate to serving and tending to the needs of others. When a woman enters a safe space where she is freed from the obligation to devote her time and attention to the welfare of others, she can drop into a space of heightened sensuality and pleasure.
Much of what our society believes about female sexuality has it associated with needing to be based firmly on devotion, faithfulness, and staunch commitment. Now, this might be most true, but it isn't always the case. If this were the case, then sex would only flourish in loyal, long-term relationships and be extinct outside of this. How often do you know this not to be true? If anything, couples are quick to affirm that desire and lust start to fade once everyone says "I do" at the wedding.
What Is Real When It Comes To Male And Female Sexuality?
Right, we know what isn't true, so what is real?
For starters, the sexual desires of men and women can be conflicting and notable opposites of each other.
I have lost count of how many men have made comments along the lines of…
"She is tired all the time."
"She is always complaining."
"She focuses on the kids and never me."
"No matter what I do, it's never right."
"Nothing I do is ever good enough for her."
"She won't even touch me. We are more like roommates."
"She has no interest in sex anymore."
Some women have even told me that, yes, they have heard their partners say things like this. Then they tell me candidly they could not care if they never had sex again. Full stop. End of story.
When a relationship is in a place such as this couples find themselves stuck in a quandary that is much like an iceberg: most of it is found beneath the surface. The debate isn't about how the man is keen and good to go, or that the woman has lost her interest in sex. Instead, what we have is a situation where the man is looking for affection and connection through sex with someone he adores but remains apathetic, while the woman feels little to no excitement or desire for the connection close by and the sex available to her.
What Couples Need to Realise About Men and Women
For men, sexual desire is something that should be taken into consideration as how the masculine processes emotions, feelings, and relationships. To men, sex is a communication tool via which they ask for and convey affection, kindness, love, surrender, sensuality, warmth, and much more. Realistically, sex is often the only mechanism men are attuned with (by Nature) for expressing their emotional needs and having them filled.
Female desire and loss of interest in sex shouldn't always be indisputably connected to a naturally lower sex drive, hormones, or that women don't enjoy sex as much as men do. What we should do is view this as evidence that female sexual desire is intrinsically linked to a drive that requires continual attention and engagement. It is an engine furnace that needs to be stoked deeply and creatively throughout the years.
The message for both partners is to know that sex is never just sex. No matter if it is a casual fling or a quickie. Even when sex is emotionless there is still a lot of emotion in it.
The information contained above is provided for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this article are not intended to amount to advice on your personal situation and you should not rely on any of the contents of this article. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this article. The Writer and this Website disclaim all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this article.
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