If there is anything that has an infamous history in creating more tension, mistrust and being the catalyst for the breakdown of lovers it would have to be jealousy. Yes, jealousy, that green-eyed monster that every man, woman, and couple will have encountered at least once in intimate relationships. And jealousy truly is a dreadful monster because it is a beast capable of not only destroying otherwise happy and content relationships but also those who intentionally wish to expand and open their relationship to new dynamics, and alternative and experimental pleasure arrangements such as swinging and polyamory to enhance their bond.
Understanding Jealousy: The Hidden Challenges in Open Relationships
Experimentation outside of conventional relationships is not for everyone. No matter how much the media wants to hype up or promote how fantastic it may be, unlocking one's relationship and venturing into the world of open relationships, swinging, threesomes and polyamory are likely to increase the chances of you encountering a meeting with the jealousy monster.
The Impact of Jealousy: Navigating Emotions in Non-Monogamous Dynamics
When it happens to them, many people convince themselves they will simply not acknowledge it and tell themselves not to feel it. How many men and women in relationships tell themselves in their minds they want to be freer and more open sexually, yet jealousy is a very real emotion swirling around them. To attempt to ignore it or to push it down and suppress it will only contain the emotion for so long before it breaks loose.
On the flip side, others toil at keeping their relationship under a strict monogamous dictatorship, fortified by a myriad of restrictive rules and restrictions defining what each partner supposedly can and cannot do. Some lovers even consciously impose rules to stop their partner from even conversing with members of the opposite sex, and from even looking at others in a certain way.
This type of behaviour journeys beyond merely repressing a simple emotion. Instead, it mutates into repression of sexual energy. Sexual energy is the energy of life itself. Taking a stand against it and actively working to stifle it consumes huge amounts of energy and creates blocks and potential trauma triggers.
Building Trust: Unleashing Inner Values for a Stronger Connection
What can you do about this? On the surface, it appears we have the choice between enforcing stringent rules or allowing things to be open and free and battling with the subsequent jealousy.
Tantra is a spiritual path of wholeness and transcendence. So when it seems we are trapped between two contradictions, it is purely a mirage of duality generated by the human mind. The challenge is finding a way to get those two apparent opposites to meet and find some common ground.
Throwing this out there for consideration, but what if we gave up attempting to foist restrictions on each other using rules for conduct and behaviour, and instead began to forge a mutual trust of inner intentions and values?
"Rules were made to be broken" is the legendary quote from the famous army general Douglas MacArthur. Taking these words as inspiration, one can definitely see that the imposition of rules goes against a person's nature (with sexual energy playing a key role in our nature) and frequently pushes people into acts of deceit and dishonesty. These two D words – deceit and dishonesty – are like rust to the foundations of a relationship, gradually eroding the partnership's framework and container for love.
In place of rules and restrictions, we can actively focus our desire on sharing with our lover our inner values on what the relationship means to us. Inner values exist separately and are distinct to conduct and behaviour, being more related to attitude and intention. The comment "I wish our relationship to be strictly monogamous, just exclusive to you and me" Is not an inner value as it implies behaviour or action.
There are several ways to communicate one's inner values minus the baggage of fastening them to pre-arranged behaviours. Comments such as these display good inner values and are not a projection of outer rules.
"I appreciate following the free flow of my sexual energy, but with an intention of awareness and accountability."
"I cherish treating each human being in a way that does not intentionally cause pain or heartache."
"I respect honesty and being truthful at all times."
Overcoming Jealousy: Tools and Strategies for a Healthy Open Relationship
When these types of statements form the underpinning of a relationship, rather than a set of restrictive rules, then everyone in that partnership is entrusted with making their own choices of behaviour and forms of conduct in each moment. To be authentic means we should act spontaneously.
However, it is the fears we hold about spontaneity that are classed as irresponsible behaviour, of not being conscious of the ramifications of our actions and the feelings of other people. But if we all work to align our deeds with our deep inner values, then we begin to act with integrity whilst maintaining the space we need to be authentic.
Such a structure establishes room in a relationship for each person not to feel constrained by enforced rules (with the potential risk of rebelling or acting deceitfully or misleadingly). Each partner can start to trust the other to act in harmony with their personal deep inner values, to the best of their ability.
Yet when dealing with people and relationships, mistakes will inevitably be made, and when they do the partners can come together and confide that "I did ABC….and this was completely against my values of XYZ." Even though the behaviour displayed may have resulted in undesired consequences, both partners can identify what happened and take ownership of it. It is actions such as this that will ultimately build greater trust.
In place of struggling to manufacture trust based on compliance with a set of rules, we can look to build trust with the knowledge that we are both expecting to live in support of our inner values. In tandem with this, we also place trust in ourselves that we are mature enough to take responsibility for our actions.
In this way, the relationship does not become a restrictive confine, but instead an acceptable container for mutual growth.
The information contained above is provided for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this article are not intended to amount to advice on your personal situation and you should not rely on any of the contents of this article. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this article. The Writer and Shoshin Therapies disclaim all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this article.
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