Plenty of men stumble through life in a state of awkwardness, confusion, shame, disorientation, and uncertainty when it comes to sex and male sexual function. Because of this, it can be so easy for men to never be aware of the true power of their sexuality and sex as a whole. Many men find themselves on a constant search for orgasm as the mechanism to release their tension, to get a short pleasure hit, to escape their mental frustrations, and to calm their jittery brains, even if for a mere minute or two.
It is all too easy for a man when faced with his needs, wants, desires, and frustrations, to slip into self-therapy in the form of casual hook-up relationships, escorts, porn, and even other men, in the hope that one of these offers a soothing distraction for what deep unfulfilled longing that exists inside the heart of the masculine and what is holding us back from being fully open to love.
Even in our modern world with so much communication, information, and networking, it is common for men to shoulder silent and heavy burdens that weigh them down with sexual shame, disorientation, and even insecurity when it comes to male sexuality. When all these crash onto us over many years, what men end up feeling inside and bottle up ends up being tragic not only for the man himself but also for everyone in the world around him.
Men such as this tend to fall into three distinct types. A man is likely to identify with one of these, though it is possible to float between all three and to even change a type over time or due to changes in his life or environment.
There may very well be more types of men out there in the world. These three are simply the most common I have witnessed in my work as well as from my personal experience.
Type 1 - The Apologiser
Most of my late teens and early adult years were spent with me not being overly confident about how to handle my sexual desires that were burning inside my body like a firestorm. My upbringing and social environment I existed in instilled in me the need to bury these things deep down in case they were unearthed with me being declared the depraved beast I apparently wasn't meant to be.
Naturally, I suppressed these thoughts and desires. I concealed them from myself and women and turned myself into a nervous wreck with the belief if anyone were to find out they would be frightened and repulsed by me for not being "normal" like everyone else. I did think this way until the women I were intimate with were crawling all over me and sticking their tongues in my mouth. Only then did I begin to grow suspicious I had been fed a lie all this time.
It is true, for a time I was deeply embarrassed by my male sexuality, despite my very average and vanilla sexual desire: to be with pretty women around my age with vaginas.
Consequently, I never pursued the many women who were giving me clear signals they wanted me to approach, and I allowed numerous wonderful women to slip silently away who could have easily fallen in love with me (or at minimum, rocked my world) if I had shown them in strong, wholesome, heart-connected ways that I was, in fact, equally lovingly ravenous for them.
Even inside my relationships, I was always overcome with uncertainty when it came to grabbing control of the situation and taking a woman sexually, living in constant dread of her rejection or, strangely, of making her fearful of me.
Little did I realise that every feminine energy partner I had ever had yearned on a primitive, deep level for a masculine energy man who could read her, feel her, and therefore expertly enter not just her body, but also her heart, mind, and soul, with the deepest penetrations of my love.
Type 2 - The Manipulator
The opposite of the Apologiser is the man who propels himself to such a radical side of the male sexual spectrum that he becomes cunning and predatory in his attitude and approach to women and even other men.
Men upholding this type of sexual dysfunction are often all too keen to manipulate and exploit a woman for her sexuality and her feminine energy to satiate his selfish wants. A man such as this craves that fleeting, shallow hit of male freedom and power, and he won't stop until he has it….and then he moves swiftly to the next.
Illiterate of any other sexual path in life, this type of man will easily move from woman to woman, using each one, in turn, shedding them without thought whenever he loses interest or something new and exciting catches his attention. He will be deft at deploying affection, charm, and sweet talk, but lurking under the surface will be intimidation, trickery, persuasion, and whatever tools he has in his arsenal to keep a woman hooked long enough for him to satisfy his sexual hunger.
Even if he may be caught out and his ruse discovered, even if the woman learns of who and what he is, he will never apologise for his actions. In fact, outing this type of man may result in him using shame to further control his partners.
I actively avoided becoming this type of man because I despised him. I despised him for what he was doing to women and the world as a whole because my childhood was tarnished by the actions of one.
Secretly, though, I also despised him for how simple it appeared to be for him to have the sex he desired, even with all the drama and fallout wreckage. Deep down there was a part of me, too, who wanted things to be that simple, but my fear and shame held me kept my impulses under strict control.
Only later in my life did I learn that this type of man was incapable of enjoying the full delights and depths of the sexual experience, and he is certainly left wanting when it comes to experiencing the richness of bonded and deeply energetic relationships. His bliss moment is shallow and short, over as soon as he ejaculates and then he is immediately plunged back into his woworldrd of heavy mental burdens and unsatisfied needs.
This type of man is sexual a drug addict. He always needs one more hit.
The exploiter is a smooth talker, the pick-up artist. He knows how to seduce and bed the girl, but he has no idea what to do with her afterwards. Pick-up artists may know how to woo a woman, but they have no idea what to do with her once she's in their possession.
Type Three – The Recluse
The third type of man and his sexual dysfunction is the one who is sexually switched off. His sex drive, his sexual energy, and his mojo are turned off, boxed up, and stored away in a cupboard somewhere. This type of man is typically in a committed long-term relationship or marriage, and his light experiences with being connected with his sexuality and sexual power have him confined to a state of boredom and apathy.
He is unlikely to ever cheat on his partner or share his sexuality with another person, but he will elect to pursue other channels for his sexual energy and to hose down his sexuality. Distraction is the name of the game here. This means he will fill his schedule and consume his time with things such as work, TV, videogames, home projects, exercise, alcohol, poor personal hygiene, faking illnesses, and anything that can mask or remove any sort of sexual energy or sexual vibe from his body and that helps him deaden his feelings.
This man is disembodied and terrified of life, trapped inside a chilly, cerebral version of reality. Ultimately, his partner suffers, and he suffers as well, though he may not realise it or be prepared to admit it since he is so tuned out.
In our limited acceptance and knowledge of human sexuality, many men can move between all these types at different times and in different settings in their daily lives.
Irrespective of how it may appear, our collective sexual shame and confusion eventually cost us far too much, and only the intrinsic intuition we have for our natural pleasure, excitement, authenticity, freedom, and any chance at genuine, authentic love pushes us forward in search of true connection and contentment.
The gift of sexuality is a beautiful one. It is nothing to be embarrassed or frightened of. Learning how to be present with our sexuality without having to do something about it is the path out of fear or shame.
Learning to connect with and use our sexuality conscientiously, morally, and in heartfelt ways is a skilled art form….but it is possible to learn how. When accepted and polished, this art form may cause the most private aspects of our existence to sweep backwards in awe-inspiring ecstasy and melt us blissfully into love even before physical contact occurs.
Author Byron Katie famously said, "Just because a man has an erection doesn't mean he has to do anything with it."
What's your experience? … Did I miss a type? Let's continue the conversation in the comments below! (I read them all)
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The information contained above is provided for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this article are not intended to amount to advice on your personal situation and you should not rely on any of the contents of this article. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this article. The Writer and Shoshin Therapies disclaim all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this article.
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