I can remember a specific time when I felt terrifying fear and social anxiety at primary school. I was in Grade 2 (7 years old) in Mackay, North Queensland. This was back in the mid-1980s.
The Childhood Incident That Changed Everything
It was morning tea time, or "little lunch" as it was called back in those days. The teachers had made a big issue about kids getting up from the tables whilst eating. New school rule: no one was allowed to get up and walk around during morning tea time. All students had to stay seated until the end of morning recess. This instruction was given with a stern and booming voice by the deputy principal as he tapped his bamboo punishment cane against his calf.
So there I was at morning tea recess. Frightened out of my wits from the order just given…I had to use the bathroom.
Rather than simply get up and walk to the toilet as I and everyone else would have normally done, I stayed firmly seated. I was told, after all, in no uncertain terms, that I was to remain seated. I raised my hand to ask for permission from the nearest teacher. That permission was denied without haste. "Sit down as you were told," was the blunt response I was given.
I had no idea why the teacher had refused my request as I was never an unruly or troublesome child at school. All I thought at the time was that the stay seated rule must be very serious indeed and I had better not break it.
I can still feel that bursting sensation even today. I sat there for who knows how long, twisting, shuffling, writhing, crossing, and uncrossing my legs, all the while with my backside firmly planted on my seat.
I was sweating bullets. I looked in the direction of the toilets, to the deputy principal, and back to the toilets again. I didn't dare move. I didn't have the voice in me to speak up and tell them they had got it wrong about me and I really did need to go to the toilet. I was stuck hard between not wanting to get into trouble and having to pee really badly. I couldn't find my voice.
In the end, I couldn't hold on any longer and I wet my pants. Right there at the canteen table.
What was the worst part? No, not having wet my pants in front of my entire grade. It was the teacher, the one who denied my initial request to go to the toilet, in some attempt to absolve themselves of their accountability, when ushering me towards the toilets who said, dumbfounded, "Why didn't you say something?"
A part of me that day had thought that I hadn't said anything and that this whole thing was all my fault.
When you are a 7-year-old boy, social anxiety is often played off as shyness. It is even made out to be cute. But when shyness (or social anxiety) follows you into adulthood, it can and will wreak havoc.
The Devastating Effects of Social Anxiety in Adulthood
Fast forward to my adult life, anxiety took away friends, jobs, and potential romantic relationships, ruined my performance and potential in competitive sports, allowed people to take advantage and dominate me, allowed employers to bully me, and made me a generally reclusive person.
Today though, I have managed to overcome my social anxiety and I live without it successfully. But it did take a lot of hard work to do and a small part of it always remains inside of me as a reminder.
Back then I always felt a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, isolation, and fear, often for no real or apparent reason. I think I inherited this trait from my mother, who has always worried about situations and people. It was these fears that were running wild inside my head that took over all facets of my life as a teenager and young adult.
I knew deep within my mind that the place where I was wallowing, mentally, was not a good place to be and I couldn't stay there forever. In the end, it was my sense of frustration of having had enough of my own shit that finally forced me to take action and improve myself. It did take time, years even, but I did try these things and they worked for me.
So what did I do?
Overcoming Social Anxiety: Practical Steps for Success
Accept Life As It Is
There is nothing to be gained from worrying about things you have no control over. Learn to accept life as it is and as it comes.
Stop Trying To Control Everything
It is impossible to control everything in life and the world. There are way too many levers at work to try and get everything to go your way. Let it go.
Focus On Right Now
Anxiety always has you fearing the future and worrying about the past. Switch your focus to what is happening right now. No more than that. Don't even go 10 minutes into the future or back in the past.
Help Others
Anxiety cripples you in a way that you only think about yourself and what you want. Look to help others first, and expect nothing in return.
Accept That You Will Make Mistakes
Everybody makes mistakes. No one is immune. Making mistakes is how we all learn, grow and become better people. It is okay to fail. What is not okay is simply not to try at all.
Say Sorry If You Ever Wronged Someone
Saying sorry for any past wrongdoings is great for clearing the mind and the anxiety slate. You also shed that fear and worry you have about that person as well as you know there are no longer any ill feelings between you. This is one of the best personal healing acts of all.
Let Go Of Grudges
Bitterness is all-consuming. It will eat you up in the end. Holding on to these negative thoughts will not help you at all. Learn to forgive others. You don't have to forgive them for their sake, just do it mentally for your peace of mind.
Pick Better Friends
You will never control people. What you can control is who you decide to best spend your quality time with and who you open up to. Have some close people, even if only one or two, who you can talk to freely and openly without fear or embarrassment. Everyone else, you can choose to either eliminate them your life or minimize the time you spend with them.
Share Yourself With Others
Be 100% open and honest with people. Say what you mean and mean what you say. To leapfrog your anxiety and fears, you need to share your innermost thoughts and secrets with others. This gets these out of your mind and into the world. And if they are no longer in your head, then they can't grow and cause you problems.
Act In Mentally Healthier Ways
Simply thinking your problems and issues away will often not work in the long run. Start taking the actions you may not want to take. If you are afraid to stand up for yourself, do it. If you don't want to talk about something, talk about it anyway. There will be a rush of anxiety to start with but this will soon fade and you will get used to it. And I promise you will feel much better afterward.
Life for me is so much more laid-back and happier these days. I am much more self-assured and confident. I am nothing like my former self at all, though I have never forgotten who I was back then. I can't even remember the last time when I didn't wake up excited and ready to start my day (instead of rolling over and dreading it).
So here I am. Content. Peaceful. Confident. Free.
Change is never easy. But when you stick with it, the results are life-altering.
The information contained above is provided for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this article are not intended to amount to advice on your personal situation and you should not rely on any of the contents of this article. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this article. The Writer and Shoshin Therapies disclaim all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this article.
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