Human touch and being touched are fundamental to our good health and wellbeing. All of us, no matter if we are a woman or a man, can benefit from touch therapy and receiving appropriate, consensual, and non-sexual touch. No matter if you are single or in a loving couple relationship, often the connection and shared touch with another person, even from something as simple as a cuddle, can have many rewarding benefits.
Being touched calms and soothes us, reducing our stress and tension, which is good for our general health and physical happiness. Often when you are feeling lost, disconnected, and emotionally unsupported it is likely to be because you are lacking in touch or have not been touched enough.
However, though we may all need and desire touch, many of us are not comfortable asking for it. After all, nobody ever trained us how to ask for touch or ask to be held or cuddled.
Even fewer of us have been taught there are major differences in the types of touch available: comforting touch, healing touch, therapeutic touch, erotic touch, and touch for sexual pleasure. This is a shame because mention touch or touch therapy to some people and often they associate it with sex or sexual gratification.
Add to this perception an already instilled belief system full of fear, guilt, and shame about anything to do with the body, sex, or pleasure, and it can be easy to understand how and why so many people may be confused.
So many of us take the easiest option available and we elect to not ask for non-sexual touch to not risk any potential trigger events that may cause emotional distress.
As difficult as it is, we need to learn to be more comfortable and open to the idea of asking for touch when we feel we need it. When done correctly, asking for comforting touch can be done with no risk of guilt, shame, or embarrassment, and also be safe, enjoyable, and relaxing. And when we can feel safe, enjoy the moment, and truly relax, then we stand to gain the most benefits from the touching experience.
What are the four types of touch?
There are four main types of touch. The first two have negative connotations and should be avoided in both our daily lives as well as our intimate relationships, with the latter two being more positive and should be actively embraced in the correct circumstances.
Non-Consensual Touch
Any type of touch that is non-consensual or that you agree to against your will should be actively avoided. Non-consensual touch can range from very subtle to grossly inappropriate. This means it has the scope from something that may be quite gentle and small, all the way to its extreme with physical violence and abusive acts.
Non-consensual touch is often very coercive as the person receiving the touch may very well have had the ability to choose whether they want the touch or not unwillingly removed from them. The person doing the non-consensual touch habitually has no care or concern for the person they are touching and they only seek to satisfy their own needs, whatever they might be. The needs and wants of the person imposing that non-consensual touch on another are placed in higher priority than the person receiving.
Non-consensual touch is filled with disrespect and neglect for the receiving person.
Tolerating Touch
Tolerating touch, or otherwise known as "Putting Up With" touch, is the second of the two negative types of touch and should also be avoided. Many people, historically women but not always, can recall situations where someone has touched them in a way that leaves them feeling abused, unsafe, or uncomfortable, and all they wish for is for time to hurry up and pass so that person will stop touching them and leave. This may occur with a stranger whilst out in public on a bus or train, at a bar or nightclub, or even when you get a medical examination or get a remedial massage.
Sometimes the person giving the tolerating touch may not have negative or ulterior motives, but you may be in a place where you simply do not want to be touched or touched in a certain way. Perhaps receiving a hug from a family relative you have unresolved issues with, or from a lover who is trying to give you sexual pleasure but it feels painful or uncomfortable to you.
This is all known as tolerating touch.
Tolerating touch doesn't feel nice and there are no benefits to you in receiving this type of touch. As you are almost always in a perpetual position of feeling awkward and uneasy, and you have that uncomfortable feeling deep down inside that you have little choice in being able to end things, you end up forcing a smile and enduring the unpleasant and unwanted touch. You end up simply tolerating it for as long as you have to to keep the peace. Staying silent takes precedence over speaking up.
It is very common to find tolerating touch during sex. Sometimes one partner will start out doing something nice and pleasurable but as things continue, he/she keeps doing something that the other person does not want and the situation suddenly becomes unpleasant and uncomfortable. Often the person on the receiving end doesn't want to say anything lest their partner is offended, upset, or angered, especially when we may genuinely care for them.
So now that we have discussed the two negative types of touch and what should be avoided, let's look at the two positive types of touch. It is these two types of positive touch that we should all look to actively embrace and promote to bring better awareness and understanding to the giving and receiving of touch so that we may increase our happiness, connection, and pleasure in a safe and warm environment.
Consensual Touch
Consensual, or allowing, touch might be a little confusing for some people at first. With consensual touch, it is the person receiving the touch is the one who is giving.
In a traditional male/female couple relationship, to use but one example, there may be a situation where the woman is lying on her back in bed and her lover is caressing and touching her body wherever and however he wants to. Initial inspection, if you were a fly on the wall, would be that she is receiving touch.
However, in this dynamic, the woman is actually in service to the man as she is willingly offering her body to the man so that he may caress and touch her, in ways that increase his arousal and pleasure. The woman will still experience wanted gratification and pleasure as well because if she didn't then we would be in a tolerating touch situation.
It is important to recognize that this is a classic example of consensual touch because the woman is in control of her choices and she has chosen to allow her man to touch her in ways that arouse him and give him pleasure.
Requested Touch
If we keep this example going by using our consensual touch couple above, we can see how the requested touch plays out.
With our amorous couple, he is still very much touching her the way he wants to. Only now she asks, or requests, that he do something for her benefit and pleasure. He complies. Now he is touching her in a way that she wants. The man is now in service to the woman. Her requested touch and his willing act of giving her that touch now maximizes her arousal and pleasure. True, he may still get pleasure from following her request and doing something for her benefit, but he remains content to serve her by giving her what she wants in the specific way she requested it.
The objective here is to empower both partners to be in a dynamic where they are both conscious of each other and also enable each other to always be in free choice to swing between consensual and requested touch.
For many people in relationships, it can be a challenge or even intimidating to request the type of touch they desire as they have unconsciously set themselves firmly in the consensual or "allowing" role in their relationship. Learning to change up the relationship roles and apply new patterns of behaviour by requesting the touch you want may feel strange and overwhelming at first, but please stick with it. In time, and especially in the long term, you will both feel very empowered and extremely rewarded.
Don't be afraid to give your lover positive suggestions or feedback. Remain open to asking them to do something that you enjoy, to change what they are doing, or to touch you in a certain place instead.
When experimenting with your new roles, please don't stress if you happen to fall back into your old roles on occasion; it takes time to change old habits. Just be sure not to fall into tolerating touch, as this can be very easy to do.
Consensual touch is most beautiful when it is agreed upon and based upon reciprocal consideration and clearly defined comfort levels and boundaries. It is a beautiful safe space that leads to greater physical exploration and more profound sensation and healing. Always remember that positive and welcomed touch is full of wonderful positive vibes and healing power. It does make us feel so good.
The benefits of touch and touch therapy to us all cannot be underestimated.
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The information contained above is provided for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this article are not intended to amount to advice on your personal situation and you should not rely on any of the contents of this article. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this article. The Writer and Shoshin Therapies disclaim all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this article.
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