When you are unable to feel yourself, when you are low in body awareness, you may discover your body is blocked in so many ways from being able to sense and feel so many different pleasures and sensations. Learning how to feel more in your body will help open up an entirely new world of sensations.
One really big thing that blocked or restricted feeling hinders is pleasure, specifically sexual pleasure. What often happens is sexual pleasure is condensed down to a very limited event that relies largely on tension, urgency, and quick release. The human body is designed to embrace pleasure and sexual enjoyment, but when you are out of your body and not feeling it fully, your body is limited in what it can feel.
Becoming more aware and in tune with how your body feels from the inside is a fantastic way to not only reach a more relaxed state but also expand more forms of sexual pleasure as well as a myriad of other pleasurable feelings and sensations that aren't associated with sex at all. The more you feel in your body, the more you start to notice. And the more you start to notice, the more you discover there is.
How disconnectedness affects your life
Being detached and disconnected from your own body makes it difficult to make the best choices for your wants and needs because the substitute is to deliberate everything in your mind instead of being empathetic and perceptive of your needs from a deeper, more embodied, place. When we start to think things through, when we get out of our body and into our processing mind, we stop feeling. And once the brain takes over, all it delights in doing is running scenarios of what you "think" you want or what you "should" want, instead of trusting your instincts and going with the flow in the moment.
I remember being at a point in my life where I simply dreaded being asked the question, "So what do you want?"
I will confess that for many years my standard default answer was, "I don't know."
Now I know what I meant to say was "To learn to feel more."
True, we can all learn to relax and take lessons in how to meditate properly. But what never really happened for me after so many years of trying to find myself, doing new age therapies, getting into meditation, channelling with crystals, and so on, as I was never taught (and I never really discovered either) to get into my body and feel what was there – or feel what was not there as well - as part of a regular embodied practice.
I knew it was really challenging for me, sometimes even a chore, but I identify and articulate what brought me pleasure and joy. Back then most sex was often focused entirely on the experience of the other person. It was impossible for me to openly talk about what it was that I wanted.
Of course, you want to look for positive takeaways from a negative experience, there is one notable one from being disconnected from your body. Some people prefer being disconnected because when placed in a situation with deep intimacy and touch, they can find themselves feeling exposed, vulnerable, and frightened. By remaining out of their body and blocking feelings, and by avoiding coming back into it at all costs, some people can build quite a formidable defensive structure to these overwhelming emotions.
How to embrace your body and its sensations
Fortunately, it is entirely possible for people to gently and kindly be brought back into connection with their bodies in a way that is accommodating, compassionate, and protected. It is necessary to do it this way because the intention is to re-engage with the body and reconnect with the body's deep wisdom so that pleasure may be enjoyed again without the body first going back into its habitual defensive mode.
The following are four great tips that have worked for me in past and helped me to become more embodied and connected to my full self. These tips are simple for everyday use and they are activities you can repeat as often as you like.
1. Exercise Compassion
The best position to get into straight away is in a place where you are conscious and open to everything you feel, or might feel, without concern or worry about judging yourself if you are feeling the right thing, or trying to suppress anything. The takeaway lesson is that learning to feel yourself also means allowing darker feelings such as anger, frustration, and sorrow to surface every bit as much as pleasure, joy, and delight. When you feel emotions, feelings, and sensations that challenge you, please take this as a good indicator that you are making positive progress.
This is one of the best ways of performing intimacy on ourselves, by letting all of our experiences be seen, acknowledging them, and greeting them with compassion.
There are several other ways and methods to reach this same outcome, but this is by far the easiest and one I find for allowing the negative feelings to come forward and accepting them for being there for a reason. Feelings such as anger and frustration pop up to protect us and make us feel safe. Grief and sorrow reveal to us we are efficient at forming emotions and making deep, profound attachments. These also show us what is authentically important to us. If you can view your difficulties or negatives through this lens, then you are on your way to accepting them and welcoming them.
2. Give Attention to Background Pleasure
At random times throughout your day – no matter if you are at home or work - feel some pleasure. It doesn't matter if you feel tired or uncomfortable, or it's too hot, or you have a headache, search your body to find a place that feels something, that feels good, it doesn't have to be big. Once you do, focus your attention there and hold it for a moment.
If good feelings or pleasure elude you or it seems just too hard to find anything in that particular moment, focus on a place in your body that feels neutral or gives you no feeling or bother at all.
Embrace and savour this experience. Are you able to give this moment your full attention? Can you think of some words to describe what this feels like for you?
Try and schedule some time to do this daily to help keep your attention and focus more on your whole body, as well as to help you tune into feeling more comfort and pleasure as well.
3. Learn to Listen to Your Body
When you can get into a good conversation with your body, it will respond in positive ways that will help you connect with not only yourself more deeply but other people as well. Your body will be more affirmative, more energized, and more embodied than before. Even if your body is responding with tingles or numbness, that is still feeling. The key is to connect with it.
When you next open a conversation with your body, try and feel any sensations that may appear when you are quietly listening to yourself. Perhaps your body will echo some emotions from a past interaction with another person. Or maybe your attitudes or anxiety about a future event may come forward. Anything is possible here, there is no right or wrong.
It is most beneficial to pay attention to what your whole body does when it is in the presence of another person – this can be anyone – without assuming anything about them or making any judgement calls. Just be present with them and see what feelings come up on their own.
4. Tune Into Your Body's Messages and Signals
I am certain everyone has heard of having a "gut feeling" before. The human body can provide us with so much rich information about our needs and desires if only we pay it the right attention. That said, it can take a little time and effort to learn how to tune in to this intelligence if we have never been taught how to listen to it before.
This is one sense that really can be developed through patient practice. One of the best ways to start this is with relatively trivial things: what kind of tea would I like to drink right now?
Of course, there is always a tale attached to any choice we make (I never drink tea with milk because I don't like the taste… I am trying to cut down on my daily cups… the last time I drank green tea late at night I was too awake afterwards…) so it becomes a habit of gently and slowly gliding my awareness away from these types of thoughts and in the direction of how my body feels. Does anything light up inside me when I think about each choice? Do I feel anything closing or opening inside me? Do these senses clash with the stories my mind is running through?
An effective way I have found that worked for me was around decisions about how I spend my time. Do I want to go out and be friendly and sociable, or do I feel obligated and all I would prefer to do is stay home? Habitually, I know my default response will be to opt for some me-time when the thought of having a warm shower leads to a feeling of openness and relaxation in my belly. I feel my shoulders relax as well just at the very thought.
Equally, for me, agreeing to do something with a person who my body knows will drain it of too much of my energy right now is often revealed by a delicate stiffness in my chest, a feeling of needing to pull away, or a sinking sensation in my stomach. I notice these feelings in other situations all well, and I have learned to recognize them as an indication that I may not be doing the best thing for myself.
This is very much a continuing journey for me, as it will be for you too, and occasionally it is not possible or appropriate to do what my body says in this way. But developing and preserving this sense is tremendously advantageous when it is needed, and it also opens me up to being more present with my body and its needs.
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The information contained above is provided for entertainment purposes only. The contents of this article are not intended to amount to advice on your personal situation and you should not rely on any of the contents of this article. Professional advice should be obtained before taking or refraining from taking any action as a result of the contents of this article. The Writer and Shoshin Therapies disclaim all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this article.
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